Once upon a time there was a boy named Little Red Riding Harvey.
One day while his mother was cleaning his bedroom, she found a set of false teeth. She recognized them immediately. They belonged to Little Red Riding Harvey’s grandmother.
When Little Red Riding Harvey came home from throwing rocks at cats, which he did every afternoon at two, his mother showed him the teeth, and asked, “Little Red Riding Harvey, where did you get these teeth?”
“I cannot tell a lie,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. (Actually, Little Red Riding Harvey was very good at telling lies, but he had had so much fun throwing rocks at cats that afternoon that he decided to tell the truth anyway.) “I cannot tell a lie,” he said. “I stole them from grandma.
“Little Red Riding Harvey,” said his mother, “how many times must I tell you not to steal things from your grandmother? Especially things that she needs!”
“I’m sorry,” said Harvey. He wasn’t.
“Now you take these teeth,” said Little Red Riding Harvey’s mother, “and go right away to your grandmother’s house and give them back to her.”
“Yes, mother,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “Right away. I’ll do just that. You betcha. And I promise I’ll never take anything from anyone again.” See how good a liar Little Red Riding Harvey was?
Little Red Riding Harvey put on his blue cloak with the green hood, put grandma’s teeth into a brown paper bag, kissed his mother on the cheek, and left for grandma’s house. Little Red Riding Harvey knew the way very well. He was always taking back things that he had stolen from his grandmother. At least he told his mom he was always taking them back. Usually Little Red Riding Harvey would just throw whatever he had stolen into the bushes, and then go back to grandma’s and steal something else.
But Little Red Riding Harvey decided he would take the teeth back this time. He had had such a good day throwing rocks at cats.
As he tripped along through the forests he stepped on flowers and kicked small animals. It was a beautiful day.
Soon after he kicked his fourth chipmunk, he rounded a bend in the forest path and there in front of him was a big, mean, ugly wolf.
Little Red Riding Harvey kicked the wolf in the shin. “Get out of my way, you ugly dog!” he said. “I’ve got to get to my grandmother’s house.”
When the wolf had seen Little Red Riding Harvey round the bend in the path, his first thought had been to eat him. But when Little Red Riding Harvey mentioned his grandmother, well no respectable wolf can pass up eating a grandmother when he has a chance, can he?
So as the wolf hopped on one leg and rubbed his other shin bone, he said, “To your grandmother’s, huh?”
“Yeah,” said Little Red Riding Harvey, and he kicked the wolf in the other shin. “Now get out of my way, mutt.”
One kick the wolf could maybe take. Two, there’s no way. He whopped Little Red Riding Harvey across the side of the head.
Little Red Riding Harvey whopped him back.
The wolf growled at Little Red Riding Harvey.
Little Red Riding Harvey growled back.
Oh well, thought the wolf, I’ll get this kid later. “Where does your grandmother live?”
“She lives at the end of this path,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “Why else do you think I’m walking down it?”
“And is your grandmother a large woman?” asked the wolf.
“Yes,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “She’s real fat.”
“And do you think your grandmother would taste good?” asked the wolf.
“How would I know?” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “I’ve never bit my grandmother.” Actually he had, but he wasn’t going to tell this to a wolf.
“Well thank you very much,” said the wolf. “You have been of great service this afternoon.”
“Great service nothin’,” said Little Red Riding Harvey, and he kicked the wolf in the shin again.
The wolf limped off into the forest, thinking of all the things he was going to do to Little Red Riding Harvey, after lunch.
When the wolf arrived at granny’s house, he found no one there. It was granny’s bowling day.
“Oh well,” thought the wolf. “At least I can eat that little brat when he comes.”
Back on the path, Little Red Riding Harvey continued on his way, kicking small animals and stepping on flowers, until he finally reached the cottage where his dear sweet fat grandma lived.
He knocked once.
There was no answer.
He knocked again.
There was still no answer.
He kicked in the door.
There on the bed was the wolf, dressed up in his granny’s clothes.
Little Red Riding Harvey wasn’t stupid. He could tell the difference between a wolf and an old lady. He guessed immediately that the wolf had eaten his granny. And frankly, Little Red Riding Harvey couldn’t care less.
“Hello, granny,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “Not feeling too well today, are we?”
“Nope,” said the wolf, in a high, screechy voice. “I’ve got a touch of the chicken pox.”
Little Red Riding Harvey’s granny had a deep voice, and she’d already had the chicken pox.
“Hey granny,” said Little Red Riding Harvey, “you got some big eyes. What happened? Someone punch your lights out?”
“No, my dear,” said the wolf. “My eyes are big so I can see you better.”
“Well yeah, okay,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “But what about that nose? Have you been lying and making it grow again, granny?”
“Oh, no, my dear,” said the wolf. “My nose is big so I can smell you all the better.”
How disgusting, thought Little Red Riding Harvey.
“And granny,” said Little Red Riding Harvey. “What big teeth you have!” Then he pulled his granny’s false teeth out of the sack and threw them at the wolf.
The wolf then knew that he wasn’t fooling Little Red Riding Harvey, so what the heck. He jumped up and ate the little kid.
Then he laid back on the bed to wait for granny to return from bowling.
MORAL: Don’t be bad, or a wolf will eat you.